Anti-Gnome Manifesto...
"Anti-Gnomemartialindustrialneofolkmetal is the means to an end, I would not describe it as much of a musical genre than the lifestyle that is optimal for our species! We offer it for everyone and they’d do good accepting it!"
The Anti-Gnome project known as TONTTU are one of the most intriguing acts around at the moment. Utilising a stylistic blend of genres dubbed "anti-gnomenmartialindustrialneofolkmetal" to protect us all from an otherwise unseen menace, namely Gnomes. This mastery of martial beats, industrial electronics, metal savagery, and neofolk atmospheres has so far held the hordes of the Gnomic terror at bay. This may all seem a bit crazy but TONTTU have on the back of their crusade released a range of impressive and diverse albums in quick succession.
Roderigo Esquer spent months tracking down the anti-gnome forces to find out more about them, their ideology and what we can do to curb the gnome menace at home. This is what he managed to smuggle back from their headquarters.
Tottufingergeneral Hanz-Baal: Congratulations are in order, I believe. Well hello there!
Perilous road to find the truth, aye? There is no freedom higher than the one reached by Gnome-Eradication!
Okay, it was a dark and stormy night in the middle of the shady 90’s and gnomes were running rampant, or at least there were many to be seen at that time…. Anyways, me and few of my friends were meeting (there may have been some beverages to keep our minds sharp) and thinking of how to make our lives more safe and gnomen-frei (that term was invented later on, but seemed appropriate to use it in here). That historically important place was Two Witches’ and Shade Factory’s boot camp in Tampere / Finland (I believe those were the undeniable facts...). Must say we had no plans to create anything this vital for the survival of our species (what can one do when making history knocks on the door) but to accept the destiny and look cool while at it!
Where was I… Oh yes, to best of my recollection there were 3 people present: Me, Großinquisitor Rudolf Von Deer and mystical character Lord Winterdanger or Winthanaz as he is also being called in the darkest of rites.
Suddenly this weird entity came to us and asked whether we would like to accept the spirit of Anti-Gnomen and thus save our very species from extinction, what were we to say? Guys started playing a tune (that later on became our neverred classic “Saunatonttu”) and I started to sing those beautiful words that later on enlightened the nation! It was all about those scheming abominations, better known as gnomes, and their monstrous habits and the will to kill us all.
Needless to say all this discombobulated us and we did not talk about it for a long time, some say that Lord Winterdanger became mad and lived as a hermit for the rest of his life as he found out that we are being constantly researched by gnomes…. That kind of knowledge drives men to madness, I tell you.
As for my dear comrade Rudolf we left this subject be for the moment just to get back to it cometh the new millennia.
Could this have been the year 1995…. Hmmm, let us say so as the details must stay blurry to distract gnomes.
Time went on and I had almost forgotten this weird event until the entity approached me once more as I was talking to my friend Petja (1996?) and he saw the insignificance of that moment in the past and suggested that we really need to do something about those darn redcappers scheming and plotting! Wise man indeed!
Uh, this is gonna take long, is it now? Let us hasten up - things to do, gnomes to eradicate…
This all lead to the moment we went to the Con-Troll studio and recorded our first cdr-ep “Kabouter Dämmerung” including 3 songs (Saunatonttu and Peikosta Tontuksi being a bit folk metallish and Tonttujen Tihutyöt being noisyish experimentalism, but all of them extremely Anti-Gnomen). Our friend Toby joined Petja and me volunteering to take part and he delivered some proper guitarismo for The Cause! This session took place 1997, I believe.
Where to go from there? Naturally it was time to do remix-album! There was no way around it: “Gnomedrome” was released 1997-1998 as cdr-ep and it included remixes from our original neverreds and one new song called “Taisteluni.” Taisteluni (My struggle / My battle) was our very first martial-influenced piece and it caused some eyebrows to be lifted in the most disapproving manner. So we could call it as The Epic Success!
...And then gnomes kidnapped Petja to stop this movement for once and for all… We do not negotiate with gnomes and thus Petja became the first martyr for our sacred cause, I bet he was more than willing to do so and I congratulate myself for not showing those cretins any signs of weakness! And that was that.
Cometh the end of 2012 or so… All those years in the darkest of corners avoiding gnomes and all the insanity they cause and suddenly the ray of light appeared: I came to the conclusion, that re-releasing those old masterpieces as one cd could be the best idea the mankind had ever seen! No doubt it was just that and I tried to find ways to do it and suddenly I heard Petja’s voice in my head saying in a very hauntingly shivering manner:”Better make the third ep and then release it with the oldies!” The voice inspired me in so many ways, but sad to say it faded away leaving me alone, pondering these grave issues, and without my dear comrade providing The Anti-Gnome Muzik for my deep and meaningful lyrics.
As these things so rarely go it was yet another dark and gnomish night outside when I unexpectedly stumbled on to my dearest of old comrades, Rudolf! He instantly saw what had to be done and joined the crusade and we went on to release the third ep “Der Zwergenhammer” recorded at VonDerLabs and combined it with the old ones for the cd called “Nekrognomekon.”
Release happened in the summer of 2013 and was published by myself. Must say Marko Latva-Nikkola provided some killer art for that album!
Summa summarum: Got smashed in Finnish reviews but got some pretty good ones from abroad, the most important thing being getting acquainted with P. Emerson Williams when he reviewed it for the Intravenous Magazine. Emerson is now our historian providing chilling illustrations of what gnomes are really like and helping us in so many ways!
Babbling babbling… 2014 we released our next album Anti-Gnomen Divisionen 4 (Mastering the fine art of Gnome-Eradication). Had to do it as we do not go down when someone suggests, thanks Finnish media for all those minimum points: That made us stronger.
AGD4 introduced our newest member, High Commander Hephzibah, doing some composing. This was also the first album we proudly released through Panicmachine.
Could say we then reached our current form. After that we have been helped by many artists providing remixes and remakes but TONTTU as an entity had its modern roots planted with me, Rudolf and Hephzibah.I think this covers the history quite well: The ingredients are now there.
RE: Who are you? Can you disclose names? I hope I’m not compromising anything
H-B: My name is Tonttufindergeneral Hanz-Baal, the propagandist of Anti-Gnome Organization also known as TONTTU which is more known for its role to raise awareness by Muzik known as Anti-Gnomemartialindustrialneofolkmetal.
Some say I am eternal like The Phantom, but nothing like him… Some say I just live in shadows with this disguise to avoid gnomes’ revenge… But who am I to talk about what or whom I might be, let us just say that all you need to know is that I am behind of rescuing our species from gnome-menace.
Quite the glorious task, some might say, me included.
RE: Gnomes are said to be everywhere, I even heard that they have formed conspiracies within big corporations, especially technology oriented (or must I say, techgnomlogy?), is that true? What does this mean to mankind?
H-B: They sure are, one of the reasons our name is TONTTU (gnome in English)… Keep your enemies close and make the threat visible and easy to remember!
And do not get me wrong, we are not talking about those horrible, ungodly statues but living and breathing monsters that haunt our species! Talking about “garden gnomes”: Most of them are alive and just waiting their moment to eat our beloved flesh and destroy our minds… Those not alive are there to distract us and used as the tool for propaganda. The best thing one can do is to destroy (we like to say eradicate) everyone and anything that even vaguely reminds of gnomes!
The Golden Rule: If there’s the slightest of suspicion - Eradicate!
This all means destruction and doom, TEOTWAWKI! Gnome-Tech soon reaches its goal and we will live as slaves to gnomes!
We have this song called “Gnostradamus” that covers this issue with humans blindly doing the gnomes’ bidding and on the other hand doing nothing to enhance us as a species while gnomes advance in so many areas and soon we are nothing but cattle for gnomes. GNWO is real and those helping gnomes (Gnome-Sympathizers and even Human-Gnome Hybrids, not to mention those turning the blind eye) are in high positions in corporations and in politics making the rules…. And believe me, odds aren’t that good for the rest of us!
Gnome-Tech is seen as the way to spend time and to make our lives easier and increase our ability to handle the information but in fact it just makes us ignorant and lazy and leaves us in the mercy of redwashed propaganda making our lives harder still.
Gnomes have really studied our species and they seem to know how to play us, let us leave it to that. Keep your panem et circenses and do something productive, you mothergnomers, or die as gnomes’ slaves willingly giving your spleens for their sodas!
RE: What are your thoughts about this urban legend, the allegedly underground cosmic horror series from the 90’s which were only released as VHS tapes, and some say there are hidden alternate endings with clues and keys in the struggle against gnomes?
H-B: I think it is time to make some martyrs for the cause again, cleansing if you will…
Loose lips and all that but the truth shall set as free...right... RIGHT?
Shit...well,more martyrs for the cause!
Who was it that once again revealed our plans, was it Bill again? Tiina?
Damn Anti-Gnome Laboratories, always spilling those rotten beans… Sigh, but now as you seem to know already…
Okay, our great plan WAS to study the future by letting some badgers urinate on certain series and movies on VHS-tapes. Some say that it will reveal alternate endings hidden to those relics but we know it does! Seen so many weird things after those sessions, and even someone mentioning this peculiar fact in the internet, so it can be nothing but true!
I just hope they only told you the method, not all the intel we got out from this experiment so far. Well, it was a good decade for Anti-Gnomen studying these magical beasts and tapes being pissed on… Sorry thing is that we just found the best combination for the cassettes and the amount of urine used, it could have shown us the location of the most secret doorway to THOTEOG (The Halls Of The Eye Of Gnomishness) situated under the pyramids, Gnome-Tech Laboratories have been said to dwell there with the secretive research of Human-Gnome Hybrids….
But nooooooooo….Silence is golden no more. We shall disregard all of the evidence now and leave those badgers without their beloved cassettes, stranded and homeless and vulnerable for gnomes’ aggression… happy now? Science does not get the appreciation it deserves nowadays as we are the beacon of wisdom for the humankind and you lot treat us like this? Damn liberal media blindsided us once again… Oh well, this proves my point once again…. And I usually like to be right but under more productive and appreciative circumstances.
RE: It seems like the war against gnomes is very though, what are your weapons of choice in this struggle?
H-B: Did you know that according to some very scientific studies as much as 97.8% of all the human beings have been infected and/or possessed by gnomes or in a danger zone… DID YOU? The fact that more and more people are getting redcapped is unbearable as they are our adversaries in the future! So, our fight against gnomes is more important than ever!
The gnome-struggle is damn real and we must submit ourselves to the sweet release of Anti-Gnomen! To do so we must make sure that we, the normal people, do not get tainted by gnomishness. We must make sure, that we will have enough living space so that we could flourish and have the best chances possible to see the future without any gnomes!
Anti-Gnomemartialindustrialneofolkmetal is our best weapon to fight this horrible phenomenon, controlling the information is the best way to control the power! Must say I love flamethrowers too… Well, I love anything that can be used to harm gnomes, so I am very liberal in that way. Hell, every single human being should have at least a good few guns and bombs for making their lives safer, that should be mandatory in fact! I would give every gnomefree man nuclear weapons just to stay on the safe side: We cannot underestimate the danger that gnomes represent.
But the weapon of my choice is our music that is extremely superior in so many ways. Maybe I will open this answer up a bit, so that the slowest of you might just see a glimpse of our brilliance and ingenuity and maybe, just maybe, learn from it! There is no grey in this game, no neutral zone so to speak: Either you are Anti-Gnomen or you are against our Sacred Cause!
By trying to be in the middle you just show that you are gutless piece of gnomesian excrement and thus eligible for a bit of eradication!
There is only two kinds of music in the world:
Anti-Gnome Muzik: Strong Anti-Gnome attitude included, gnomes cannot stand sheer power of this sublime art form and thus run for their petty little lives leaving us victorious! In the worst case they just leave the premises and the one playing this glorious music is safe for the moment at hand.
Pro-Gnome Muzak: Repels normal human beings with its vile and atrocious soul munching features. Those already leaning on gnomishness and those sorry little excuses for a lifeform enjoy it immensely and thus show their unworthiness to live their lives without being dealt with… You know what I mean!
Even though Anti-Gnome Muzik is the most competitive genre, TONTTU sure reigns it supreme! Well, I must admit that we are in a way forefathers of it, but who cares: We are that damn good and we never let pressure from the outside affect to the outcome of our brilliant and groundbreaking releases… I believe that it is the fact why people admire us so much and feel like they should kneel down when seeing us… If they knew who we were, that is…. But they would!
By the way: We welcome those numerous up-and-coming Anti-Gnomeists with open arms. To highlight one I must mention TerrorroT (our beloved collaborators) and their highly uneasylistening Industrimetalfolkgoredroneantignome-Muzik!
We need more of this kind of commitment, but the youth of today are so often spoiled and spineless and know nothing of the struggle we, the older and the wiser, know so well. If only people were more like me…
I must also applaud our comrades Fahl for making that splendid “All The darkness In The World”-ep found from the split (2016) with TONTTU, Fahl and P. Emerson Williams. The album is called “The Decline And Fall Of The Gnomen Empire.” Chilling stuff and truly shows the true nature of those pesky and creepy little critters!
And why do we use Finnish as our official lingo? Well, obviously it is harder for gnomes to decrypt our message and counter our plans! We always have our propaganda translated in English, but that takes some effort to find it from our digital releases. Using PDF:s is the ultimate High-Tech and quite impossible for gnomes to hack: Our Anti-Gnome Researchers spent many years optimizing our technique so I would imagine for gnomes it should take more than that! They do have their highly advanced group (GNSA or Gnomes’ Net Service Agency) for cyber attacks and I am sure they are trying to solve this problem as we speak!
Did you know that as the part of the GNSA there is division of “trolls”, that name misleads though, as they are in fact nerdier gnomes spreading false propaganda and putrid Pro-Gnome Agenda trying to influence the public opinion! Cursed are those weak-minded mongrels that believe any of that malevolent propaganda cause ours is the ultimate truth!
But to sum this up: Anti-Gnomemartialindustrialneofolkmetal is the means to an end, I would not describe it as much of a musical genre than the lifestyle that is optimal for our species! We offer it for everyone and they’d do good accepting it! They’d better…
Thinking further we need to separate people from their money, what on earth would they do with it anyways? Those poor souls would benefit of us controlling the money so they could concentrate on dedicating their lives to Anti-Gnomen… Of course we would help those in need (if they are worth it), but on the other hand they should be grateful for us creating them the better world and gnomen-frei environment. They could work for The Cause as many hours a day as they humanely can: Inhumanely would sound even better, but let us get to that later on as we have our administration established!
If we just get rid of gnomes our peace loving and highly intellectual species would finally reach nirvana and utopia at the same time with TONTTU as the benevolent and undisputed leader! Sounds great to me and if someone hesitates or questions this great vision it makes me wonder…
We could establish camps where we could put those non-believers so that they could think things over and I am pretty sure they would change their wrong opinions and views. I am sure they would appreciate this chance offered to them and embrace Anti-Gnomen!
And after all if we are the ones who liberate this planet from gnomes’ reign of terror we should get some perks and some say on how things should be run overall, right? It is not easy being a hero when there is ingrates all around!
Make Anti-Gnomen and our species great again!
You lot just want us to deal with this grave situation and then take over, you son of gnomes! But we know better and we shall sort you out, oh yes we will… And all will be handled with special finesse and that solution shall be final, no complaints accepted! Viva Anti-Gnomen!
(…heavy breathing…)
…
...Now that I think about it I see everything clearly: You all have been deliberately undermining and sabotaging our valiant crusade! No wonder we cannot get enough of good intel and our best laid plans so often fail!
Just you wait… You have just made it to The Red Book!
RE: Do you use live propaganda to propagate the truth? What can one expect in a TONTTU anti-gnomish propaganda show?
H-B: Live shows? You try to get us killed? Taking gnomes’ side, are we now? Damn… Of course we do not do live shows, anonymity is essential in this line of business and letting gnomes find out our identity would compromise the whole operation!
Even though I find all kinds of hoods, cloaks and other disguises more than pleasant and useful, we will absolutely never do live shows and give them the slightest of chance to recognize us!
One could say we are performing live when you see gnomes at stakes and/or delightfully one or more of them burning outside your house lighting up your backyard. Remember us when you see those glorious mushroom clouds evaporating gnomes’ nests and flamethrowers sweeping through buildings!
Sniff… Getting almost emotional here…
“I’d rather stay alive than go live.” As one great thinker once said… That was me by the way, quite impressive quote even though I have to say it to you myself. But what can I say, I am helpful and gracious like that, everyone could learn from me!
RE: I know there’s a book you’re going to publish, can you tell us about it?
H-B: I would have even if you tried to stop me! But thank you for the opportunity, it makes this easier in so many ways. Behind the foily curtains of Anti-Gnomen loads of wunderbar things are taking place at the very moment! Thomas Jude Barclay Morrison is giving finalizing touches to our epic modern Gnodysseia – The Book that will make every other book obsolete and worthy of burning! And when he will be done P. Emerson Williams shall perfectify it with his overtly realistic illustrations! The Book shall be published by the beloved Panicmachine.
We shall show the world whom are to blame and why, the final truth will send shock waves throughout our entire planet!
“Gnomeus Gnomeficarum, or: How to Blame It on Gnomes” will leave you speechless as you shall finally know more than others do! Except of us, naturally… We know everything.
RE: What can we, normal people, do in the struggle against gnomes?
H-B: According to some very respectable scientists (whose names we cannot reveal, but they are the best there is) we need to do two things immediately to improve our odds against gnomes:
1) Get more plastic to our oceans and lakes, hell, even to rivers! Gnomes ransacked some amazing underwater technology when they occupied Atlantis way back then, that is why we cannot trust normal water to stop them or slow them down! PS: And you guys still wonder what happened to that continent, pretty obvious, ain’t it just? Ignorance triumphs in so many levels and I do not like single one of them!
2) Raise the temperature of our planet any means necessary, that will make gnomes’ lives harder as they are known to enjoy the cold areas… Drink oil if needed to reach our goal and let them be like foreigners at sauna in Finland!
On the other hand there is only one thing we must decide right now, what is the acceptable percentage of collaterals when trying to get rid of gnomenkind?How much are we willing to sacrifice?
Well, I see things like this: If we give all the power to gnomes we are dead anyways so everyone is replaceable, more like expendable… Maybe some nice little birdie, rat or lizard will then live Gnomen-Frei life and give even one single warm thought for our kind! I know cockroaches will!
Takes loads of effort to reach these goals, but I have the uttermost belief that our species is more than capable of completing this humongous and selfless task at hand! Gnumbaya-h, let us join hands!
RE: And last, but not least, anything you like to add? Thank you for this illuminating piece of anti-gnomen wisdom!
H-B: The wheels of destruction and mayhem are turning and we are preparing ourselves for the release of our glorious and Anti-Gnomelicious 8:th chapter for our saga! Must not reveal too much but I can tell you this, it will be TONTTU-only album so no remakes this time from our beloved comrades! You may also witness couple of additional members joining our rock solid crew, one being Marcel P. from Miel Noir, he has earlier provided us with a great remix for Gnouroboros. It is kinda obvious that he will be joining in, as like everyone knows, gnomes hate bees and want to kill them all and infect their honey, outrageous! MN is known for their bee-sympathies like we are known for hating gnomes, so our goal is common!
There will be other (no doubt pleasant) surprises too, as we are always thinking outside the accursed box that limits our lives in so many ways. Our Anti-Gnome Scientists have come to the conclusion that all the boxes are in fact possessed by gnomes and their only purpose is to make people to stick to their old habits thus slowing down the evolution and technology, no four-armed people with extra-light-ultra-flamethrowers, no sir! We must burn all the boxes and shut down all the factories manufacturing them so that our valiant species could once again reign supreme!
Be as it may, there is only one thing everyone should remember and hold dear… If everyone forgot their minor little quarrels, wars and abandoned their current adversaries and remembered this, everything would go smoothly:
“If everyone hated exclusively gnomes, this world would be better place within minutes!”
Think about it.
TFG Over & Out: Pleasure and thank you, keep it Anti-Gnomen!
PS: The highest regards of Anti-Gnome HQ to DJ Vrhovny and Lupo Von Volpe!
To find out more about TONTTU visit their Facebook page here. Their latest releases can be found on Panic Machine here.